PART 1. Have I ever told you that Gmail hurt my feelings? Yes. When I was creating my account, it rejected the name I proposed. Apparently, my name doesn't have enough characters for their majesty-ness. Such a painful dose of reality, it was. Is there a term for such discrimination? Name lengthism? Name character countism? So anyway, this terrible event sprouted my life long battle with name length envy. Do you know how it feels to have such a short name? And on top of that, one syllable? Do you?! Oh, I could shed a saucepan of tears for the inadequacy I feel.
PART 2. Did I ever tell you how a sweet potato almost killed me? I was probably fifteen or so at the time. While practicing the clarinet in the washroom (you know, for the acoustics. sound? what? shut up!) my mum thought it was wise to give me a steamy sweet potato. So yes, I was in there, door closed, stuffing my face with potato in between making beautiful music, when it got stuck in my throat. I thought I'd be found there on the toilet, clarinet in one hand, potato in the other, in my Walmart Mickey Mouse jammies (did I say fifteen? I meant eight...), eyes rolled back, potato dribbling out of mouth and nose...Lesson learned, mon friend, lesson learned! I continued my healthy enjoyment of potatoes over the years, but never, ever, alone. When you's eating a 'tato, be near a mate-o...Just made that one up! Fresh witticism. Ahh, smell it!
PART 3. There's this commercial that's been airing recently where some guy is surfing on this ginormous tidal wave. It scares me. I actually have to look away! I bet it's because I almost drowned in the wave pool at Wild Water Kingdom as a child. I kid you not, I was pulled under for a brief while and had to claw my way back up. Stupid, dangerous pool! I hope they got rid of it and made room for a longer lazy river. Also, I'm uncomfortable with open water. My imagination just gets the best of me. I freak out over what could be lurking in the water. A dead body? Dangerous creature? Insects?! And, if we're going for total honesty here, I've also got irrational pool fears. Swimming pools! What the crap! When I was younger, I thought sharks or ghosts could get me in there. I told you already—too many horror/suspense movies growing up. So yes, I do not eat potatoes unattended, nor do I dip a single toe into an empty pool. Hey, I'm just being smart, okay? Just like how I chose the clarinet based on size and convenience (the dogre picked some large one, like the sax or something! ha.), I know well enough that the likelihood of escaping the big bad creatures in the water increases if there are more dangling bodies in there with me! Genius. Oops, accidentally typed "genious". Heehee.
PART 4. That classmate I wrote about some weeks ago? The tardy one who thought it necessary to announce her tardiness? The same one who pouts and interrupts class if she doesn't get something. The one that took three painfully long hours to eat a tiny tupperware of dumplings? Her. She brought a box of chocolate this week. One of those large square boxes one might receive for Valentine's Day or as a slap-in-the-face-you're-only-as-important-as-my-thoughtless-choice-to-give-you-this-box-of-chocolate Christmas gifts. It was equally hypnotic to stare at her pop the sweets in her mouth. Couldn't stop watching!
PART 5. Isn't that such an awesome crossbody bag up there? Lust at first sight! I can't even imagine how lovely the cognac must look (sold out). Saved it in my wishlist folder, I did. Dogre? I'm making puppy eyes at you!