Dec. 16, 2009

Hi Pal,

Can you be my hero and complete the following tasks? Easy-peasy stuff, please and thank you:

1. Public washrooms and stink that ain't mine. I've encountered this many times. I come out of a smelly stall, after a harmless pee session, and there is someone waiting to use it after moi. As I exit the stall, I'm blushing and flustered because this person will falsely believe that I'm the culprit! I HATE THAT! Can you please deal with this? Come up with a sign to indicate that I didn't do it!
Maybe you could print me some customized business cards to store in my purse and distribute when necessary. Something like,
Hi. You'll be happy to note that I've left the toilet seat nice and clean, ensuring proper flushage. Please note, however, that I am not the master of this icky smell. No, it wasn't me. In fact, you and I are forever bound together, in this very moment, where we both had to battle the stink that is clobbering up our nosies*. So, in conclusion, friend, I'm innocent. I too suffered this assault. I too had thoughts of switching stalls but stayed put and endured it so as to avoid hurting the feelings of the stranger before me. That's how great I am. Okay, no I don't really want to be friends but I get it, you're swooning over my big heart. If you insist, send your cover letter and resume to and I will have my assistant (the dogre) take a looksies. I thank you for your interest but only successful candidates will be contacted. Sincerely, The Dogress."
*That's 'noses' to you. Friends make fun of me because I like to call horses 'horsies' and noses 'nosies' ... et cetera. I don't see what's wrong with this! Isn't it just endearing, really?

I hope you don't charge per character...If you can't get it done I'll have to continue with my shrugs and slight shake of the head to say "Yeah, I know, right? Totally gross. Ugh, whoever did it had some major tummy ache..." and hope they believe me. Actually, when I was in elementary school I had a terrible bowel movement at a McDonald's and it made the whole washroom smelly. It was that bad. So, I got out of the stall to find these super cool and catty looking girls I'd want to be friends with hanging out by the mirror. I pulled out my shrug and head shake routine, expressing with my body and facial expression that, agreed, it smells in here and no it wasn't me, and yeah, we're totally bonding over this moment, here is my cover letter and resume, I look forward to your call...They never did...Plus, they actually laughed at me because it was so obvious that I was the one...Wow, that was a traumatic experience! In fact, forget caring about strangers. The next time I dip my nose in a stall and it stinks I'm going to switch to another one!
Washroom talk is so much fun! So much to talk about...Like, when you're in there and someone else is next door and you both have to poop but are shy so it's a waiting game until one person gives up and leaves, dissatisfied. Or, when you try to mask the sound by timing your cough or rattling the toilet roll just so...But at least you're making an effort. I'm floored by some women who will just let loose. No consideration! Just baaang, buuunng, pfffft, sfftttppppp. I've also had moments where I'd be mid-pee and my nose is suddenly karate-chopped by my neighbour and since I'm stuck there, I have to accept the realization that I'm smelling her anus. It's as if I've slipped into her bunghole and she's baking me a fresh batch of poop! Speaking of baking and batches. I attempted to bake cookies last night. Here's a picture. Click for recipe. Came out too crispy. I don't care. I was like Martha Stewart's cousin for the night!
2. Cars and honks. Why haven't they figured it out yet that we need at least two sets of car honks! We need to supplement what we've got with a friendlier toot. Okay, so each car needs a honk and a toot! These toots would be fantastic for when you want to send a polite message to the other car but a regular honk would be inappropriately aggressive. Wouldn't that be nice? You know what? I have so much to say on this topic but I'm exhausted from all that washroom talk that I'm done for the night. I'll just end it with a few more Christmas adornments (including a little tree! YES! We got one! It comes already dressed in lights, has an adorable ceramic-like and footed red pot, and was on sale for $10). As for the felt stuff, Anthropologie gave them out for free to accessorize gifts with but I thought, screw it, they're so cute I want them! So I did.

Good day.
(tree - Canadian Tire; owl ornament - UO; snowflake - Teatro Verde)

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